A time back in 2014 when I had way too much time on my hands. I was asked to write a hunting glossary, but I told the editor that would be more boring than VCR instructions. So I opened a bottle of wine and came up with this…
THE BEE GEES LEATHER – The leather neck strap that a rider clutches as he prays, “Staying Alive! Please, mother of all that is holy, let me stay alive through this hunt!”
THE BEST HUNT OF THE SEASON JINX – The most storied, epic, crazy, amazing, and legendary hunt will be the one that was missed. Always.
THE CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN – This is the rider who keeps passing their Field Master and therefore owes bubbly each and every hunt. Usually this rider goes in a field with a Field Master who conveniently keeps forgetting to suggest a bigger bit.
COMMITMENT PAPERS – What is waiting for riders upon returning home from hunting where upon said riders smiled as they left their spouses, before dawn, to go hunt all day in wickedly foul weather. If all horse people are all in various stages of craziness, then foxhunters are the escaped inmates from the
asylum.
THE CROP TRUTH – It is universally true that the hunt member who needs a crop the most will never be the one to carry it.
DAZED AND CONFUSED – What is said by a rider after a spectacularly unplanned dismount, “I’m alright alright alright.” Usually follows after “THE SOUND OF
INEVITABILITY”.
ENT TREES – Trees move. Never doubt that. And the faster a rider is traveling then the faster an Ent tree will move into their way. Ents wish that they are the mixed martial art fighters of the plant world. See “RULE OF THE MIDDLE or THE TRUNK THEOREM” for further proof.
THE FLASK EXCEPTION – The rather amazing phenomenon that proves a rider can repeatedly swig a big gulp of undiluted liquor from a flask before noon yet still ride competently all day, but at night the same amount of neat whisky from a proper glass will induce the gag reflex. And the rider will then start to dance really silly. And scream tag lines from Saturday Night Live sketches at complete strangers. And then pass out under the table. This may also be an explanation of why “ENT TREES” are never seen outside of a hunt.
A GROOM’S GLOAT – Said a grinning groom to a whining, wet hunt member as the heavens opened up on the rush back to the trailers, “I’m getting paid to
be here!” Ents are never around when they are needed.
THE HUSBAND RULE – The rule that states that if a hunt member arrives in the same rig as her husband, then that couple will always be late to the meet or divorced by noon. The best solution to this rule is for the couple in question to keep completely separate barns and rigs to get ready out of each other’s sight in order to arrive on time and stay married. This solution, along with “THE FLASK EXCEPTION”, is known as The Marriage Saver.
THE IDIOT SAVANT RIDER – The rider who is so bad at basic riding skills that one wonders how they stay put in the saddle even during the checks but STILL manages to fall off less than you. See “THE FLASK EXCEPTION” for a possible explanation.
IRISH LULLABY – Said by an Irishman to a terrified American riding up to her first Irish bank, “Eyes towards the heavens, Dearie. Pray to God, and don’t look down!”
IRISH MOON WIRE – The fable that the Irish tell Americans when it is announced that they will have to jump miles of wired, cavernous drains in the dark, “Aye, don’t worry. The old, rusty wire will break (probably) and the new wire, well, it’ll shine in the moonlight! Kick ON!” See also “COMMITMENT PAPERS”.
LUNCH LADY HAIR – What the hair looks like on the hunt member who needs to visit Wadsworth’s Salon to tame those flowing tresses before every meet. Also known as The Hunt Member Most Likely To Make George Morris Want To Poke Out His Eyes With His Fabled Thumb
Tack.
MURPHY’S LAW OF UNDERWEAR – The rule that states that a rider will always wear the most embarrassing pair of undies on the day that they have a breeches
malfunction. True examples: the day that the stitching on those bargain-basement pair of full seat breeches rotted away to reveal the thong underneath at the start of an 18 mile run; when a grown man got caught wearing Superman boxer-briefs under wet, white breeches; and when a visiting guest arrived with no pants at all. These riders will hence be known as “The Hunt’s Favorite!”
THE PERFECT HUNT MEMBER - The perfect hunt member, at least according to a Joint Master, is the one that a MFH never notices until the hunt breakfast. Meaning THE PERFECT HUNT MEMBER never creates drama, never complains, always rides made horses and never causes the Masters to have a meeting about them. Master’s don’t like meetings; it means that they will have to make decisions. And decisions take way too much energy.
THE PLASTIC DINOSAUR EFFECT (A Tennessee Valley Hunt’s tradition) – The calming effect from a silly toy kept in the pocket of anyone who tends to be overly serious or pretentious. Because after all, how can one take themselves too seriously while keeping a plastic dinosaur in their pocket? These dinos are especially handy to have on hand when a “SMAUG” or a “STINK EYE” emerges in the hunt field.
PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR – When a hackamore, after breaking both the chin strap and the bridle’s throatlatch, flies over the horses head to land neatly
in the rider’s lap while said horse is going at a full gallop in the middle of a thousand acres. No electricity is needed for that zap to the heart.
REDNECK PEACOCK – That male pickup driver, who upon seeing an entire group of women on horseback standing in the middle of the highway waving
at him to slow down to avoid hitting crossing hounds (and said women), will always assume that those women are waiving at him because of his awesomeness
and then SPEED UP.
RULE OF THE MIDDLE or THE TRUNK THEOREM – When galloping in the woods and a decision needs to be made on which side of the very large tree the
rider and his horse will travel, it is always proved true that each of them will decide to go around the tree on opposite sides. And neither will inform the other of such decision. The result is always the same: the horse goes on the side that he planned to travel all along, yet the rider will leave the saddle to fly straight down the middle to splat on the tree trunk.
THE SARDINE TIN – What the cluttered tack room of a small, two horse bumper pull trailer becomes in the pouring down rain during the Hunt Breakfast when three Joint Masters, the Huntsman, the Honorary Secretary, a guest, a groom and two first year members with two bottles of champagne and a box of fried chicken all wedge themselves inside rather than go home. See also “COMMITMENT PAPERS”.
SMAUG – The fire breathing dragon behind you. Or under you. Or the one that just bolted past you. Or the Joint Master who just had to attend a meeting about you and decide something.
THE SOUND OF INEVITABILITY - The unique quiet that is heard only by a falling rider that is just about to find ground zero.
STINK EYE – Every mare’s favorite expression. Also true for Masters upon seeing “LUNCH LADY HAIR”.
TWERKING – The act of trying to get your saddle back to center while at a trot. Most entertaining after “MURPHY’S LAW OF UNDERWEAR” has occurred.
THE WEATHER PARADOX – The quality of the scent will be inversely related to the quality of the weather. So the best scenting day will be on the day of the worst weather imaginable. This is the justification for riders to risk “COMMITMENT PAPERS” because said riders want to desperately avoid “THE BEST HUNT OF THE SEASON JINX”.